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Post by wrighty on Aug 5, 2008 11:30:22 GMT 9.5
I keep having my profile on that dating website rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'. Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!' The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'YOU BASTARD !' ------------------------------------------------------------------- why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day ------------------------------------------------------------------ Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; 'NO, you won't bring it back.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. 'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!' 'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'
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Beware of Technology
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Post by Beware of Technology on Aug 4, 2009 20:03:39 GMT 9.5
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Post by funny one on Oct 7, 2009 15:56:35 GMT 9.5
here's one for you's A guy sees a sign in front of house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping .. "I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that rubbish
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Post by funny on Oct 7, 2009 16:01:56 GMT 9.5
The Pastor's Ass!!!
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it a race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop , so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . .. being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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Post by fun on Oct 7, 2009 16:07:26 GMT 9.5
Little Johnny went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Can you help me?'.
The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course I would! we could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad..
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.
Little Johnny replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but 'realistically', ........... we're living with two slags and a poofter.
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Post by CRacing on Oct 9, 2009 14:55:12 GMT 9.5
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Post by CRacing on Oct 9, 2009 15:09:24 GMT 9.5
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Post by joke on Oct 23, 2009 18:00:33 GMT 9.5
Two guys walked into a bar
You'd think that one of them would have seen it....
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Post by __[Race Fan]__ on Feb 19, 2010 23:40:35 GMT 9.5
MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE
'Hello, is this the police?' 'Yes it is. How can we help you?' 'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!' 'Thank you very much for the call.' The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave. The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop up your firewood?' 'Yep.' 'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
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Post by __[Race Fan]__ on Feb 19, 2010 23:46:00 GMT 9.5
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 kilos that week.
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Post by Sprintcar Fan on Feb 20, 2010 7:36:10 GMT 9.5
>>>> A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still >>>> spells "race car"? >>>> >>>> B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the >>>> 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"? >>>> >>>> C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in >>>> "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it >>>> spells >>>> out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, >>>> violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other >>>> hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass >>>> bastards with you"? >>>> >>>> How weird is that >>>> >>> >>>
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Post by Sprintcar Fan on Feb 20, 2010 7:45:05 GMT 9.5
Little Boy on the Bus.....
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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Post by Sprintcar Fan on Feb 20, 2010 7:47:00 GMT 9.5
...USED CAR......This is Funny.... If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
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Post by Sprintcar Fan on Feb 20, 2010 7:48:20 GMT 9.5
A bank robber wearing a balaclava burst in the doors and said this is a stick up everybody get on the floor. After cleaning out the bank he is heading out the door when a brave man pulls his balaclava off so the robber shot him dead and then said did anyone else see my face? he then spotted a teller looking straight at him so he shot her dead and once again said did anybody else see my face? after a short period of silence the robber starts heading towards the door when all of a sudden an elderly gentlemen laying on the floor piped up and said I think my wife got a small glance...............................
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Post by Sprintcar Fan on Feb 20, 2010 7:53:02 GMT 9.5
Q-how do you know when you are to drunk to drive? A-when you swerve to miss the tree but in fact it is the tree airfreshener hanging of your rear vision mirror !!!!!!! LOL
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Post by guest111 on Feb 27, 2010 7:03:41 GMT 9.5
The half-wit
FARMING
A man owned a small farm in Australia .
The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.
'Then there's the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, Pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'
That would be me,' replied the farmer.
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Post by guest111 on Feb 27, 2010 7:06:54 GMT 9.5
Three little ducks go into a Bar.....
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Post by guest111 on Feb 27, 2010 7:10:10 GMT 9.5
Tiger Woods.....
Tiger Woods stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. ' mate Tiger then left A few days later, Tiger stuck his head in the door of the same barbers shop and asked , How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' mate - again Tiger left. A week later, Tiger stuck his head in the same barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half ' mate Once again Tiger left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!
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Post by Stig on Feb 27, 2010 9:27:46 GMT 9.5
Something even more really funny. AIDKA are letting clubs make up their own rules, forget your rule book & forget what gets passed at rule change meetings . Just whinge till you get what you want . Thats what happen last night at the AIDKA meeting. So we will have different rules pending where you race .
The end of AIDKA is bad for karting & its going that way in a big hurry. Guys stop listening to the whingers & show some leadership.
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Post by __[Race Fan]__ on Feb 27, 2010 10:14:33 GMT 9.5
ha ha ha
but i still think the Tiger Woods..... joke is funnier
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